Your children are all equal, right?

But what does that mean in practice?

Consider some real-world examples:

You want to pay for your children’s university education. One does an arts degree, while another starts with a psychology degree, then does a master’s and now wants to do a PhD. How much do they each get for this?

You want to help each of your children buy a house – their primary residence. If things were ‘equal’, you might gift them each the same amount of money for this purpose.

But what if they live in different places with very different cost of housing? How many large homes with gardens can you buy in a nice suburb of Dallas for the same price as an apartment in central Paris?

What if they both live in the same suburb, but there is ten years age difference between them? What a house cost ten years ago would not get very much today!

Time is a very important ‘unequaliser’. One patriarch discussed with me the annual income supplement he gives his four children. From age 25, they each get a set amount each year. But there are eight years between eldest and youngest. I asked him if he indexes the amount for inflation. Now he does.

But even then, is it really equal?

What if the kids have different needs when it comes to housing? This is a great segue into a discussion about generation skipping. If your three children have zero, five, and two children respectively, do you split things ‘equally’ between them?

What if a family member has a medical condition? The family pays their expenses, but should other family members be financially equalised? It sounds absurd, but … (little surprises me anymore).

What if there’s a family business and some children are employed and some are not? Crafting good policies in that context is enough for a whole other article!

The bottom line is that equal means different things to different people.

And all our children are different, even if they are identical twins!

OK, so perhaps let’s aim for ‘fair’ instead?

That might make more sense. A ‘fair’ family policy might include supporting education costs, housing, medical, and an income supplement. The specific amounts distributed would still be a function of personal choice (what to study, where to live, how many children to have), and of some things that are outside anyone’s control (e.g. medical).

But … they would NOT be equal.

Fair is not equal, and equal is not fair.

What to do, then?

1. Accept the fact that children are different, and that you can’t direct equal outcomes for them.
2. Consider an approach of equal opportunity
3. Pursue fair and equal process.

That means family members participate in the process of determining policies like these. That gives them all a voice and the ability to debate tricky issues like the ones I’ve touched on (and more).

If they have a seat at the table where policy is set, then they can have a sense of ownership and buy-in of the policy. They can understand how hard this stuff is for parents.

Giving stakeholders a say in policies that affect them goes a long way.

Conversation Starters:

Who wrote your family’s distribution policy?

What elements of the policy continue to be a source of … discussion?

In what ways are your children different?

Further Reading:

New Study Finds Rich Boomers Are Stressed About Handing Down Fortunes To Their Kids
Passing on great wealth to our children spells the end of society. Just ask Aristotle
Fair should not be equal in a family-owned business
Boomers are planning their succession. Here’s the hardest question they face, according to a veteran generational wealth expert
The Rich Need to Navigate ‘Fairness Versus Equality’ Among Children
The Family Playbook: Preparing for the First Outside CEO
Opinion | A Good Life: My friends are inheriting piles of money and retiring early. I am not. How do I deal?

I can’t count the number of families who come to me with “we want to do things differently”.

Often, it relates to conflict in the previous/current generation that they want to avoid in current/future generations.

This is why the ‘mapping/discovery’ process is so important as part of onboarding a family.

It’s a bit like the way a doctor takes a medical history.

They might talk about conflict that only happened in their generation, but if you start to delve further back, there are often repeating patterns.

It doesn’t surprise me.

George Santayana famously said: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

There are two elements to family conflict: fact and narrative.

The facts around a conflict can rarely be truly discovered. The truth is somewhere in between “our story” and “their story”. This isn’t a forensic judicial examination anyway.

What is more important is the narrative: how the conflict influenced the stories the family tells about itself. That in turn drives it engages with the world around it, and its wealth culture.

Family conflict is rarely about the commercials. It has its roots in basic family issues like fairness, favouritism, jealousy, and rivalry.

Seeking a commercial solution to an emotional problem isn’t going to work.

At best, it might patch things up temporarily, but it won’t address the root causes.

The same principle applies when considering repeating patterns.

If the pattern is viewed superficially – say in commercial terms – it won’t be understood.

The family may choose to change how things are done commercially, but that won’t address what’s really going on beneath the surface.

To break intergenerational patterns, families need to:

• Treat family members as humans, not saints. Growing up, we view our role-model and successful ancestors as infallible heroes. They aren’t. They are human just like us. Part of growing up and individuating is recognising that about our parents.
• Tell stories with honesty – warts and all. The saying goes “The older I get, the better I was”, but we all know everyone had ups and downs. Acknowledging that makes the stories more real, and better prepares us for what the world is really like.
• Be forward looking: what can we learn? There is little value in using stories to form judgement about the past. Rather, use them as a learning tool. How might we approach a similar situation? How might we do it better?

Albert Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that created them.”

The first step to breaking intergenerational cycles is self-awareness.

A deep perspective on the past, plus a space for real communication about that can lead to a brighter future for the whole family.

PS Families of faith might find my Genesis of Legacy program of interest.

Conversation Starters:

What are the stories you tell of historical family conflict?

How have these stories influenced how things are done in your family?

Further Reading:

It’s ludicrous to blame Baby Boomers like me for the troubles faced by Millennials
How to help clients pass wealth down to next generation
Almost half of the ultra-rich haven’t figured out how to pass on their wealth, research finds
What happens to your brain when you become a billionaire
How to handle a sudden financial windfall
The Secret To Sustaining Intergenerational Wealth
Mastering intergenerational wealth transfer conversations with clients

I grew up in a family that had everything—except time.

My father was a Holocaust survivor who built a successful textile business from nothing. He worked tirelessly, overcoming unimaginable trauma with sheer determination. But my father refused to call himself a victim. He was a relentless optimist, focused on building a future. 

But that future came at a cost. 

I watched my father pace the factory floor, overseeing every decision. The business owned him, not the other way around. 

When I was old enough, I worked alongside him, feeling the weight of expectations—both my family’s and society’s. We were a prominent name in Melbourne, Australia, and with that came whispers, assumptions, and pressure. 

At first, I followed the script: I pursued a promising career in software development, then left the nine-to-five world to launch my own business. 

I craved independence, control, and success on my own terms. Over the years, I built multiple ventures, navigating the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. I learned what it meant to win—and to lose. 

Through all of this, one truth became clear: Time is the one asset you can’t earn back. 

Money, businesses, investments—these can be rebuild. But lost time with family, lost moments with community, lost opportunities for joy—these are gone forever. 

And yet, modern life conspires to steal time from us. We are slaves to technology, endlessly connected but never truly present. We confuse busyness with productivity, work with purpose. 

Then I saw something else: I had always known the solution. It had been in front of me my whole life.

I was raised in the Orthodox Jewish tradition of observing the Sabbath. For one day every week, I disconnected completely. No phone. No laptop. No work. Just time—time with family, with community, with myself. 

As a child, I found it restrictive. As an adult, I realized it was freedom.

The family charter or constitution is an essential governance tool.

How your family’s charter is written is as important as what’s in it.

I discovered this when the shoe was on the other foot – as my wife and I went shopping for a family enterprise advisor.

As much as I knew what our family needed, it could not be me: the role needs to be someone independent and external.

So we embarked on a process to choose someone suitable.

We interviewed a large MFO (multifamily office), a boutique MFO, a mid-tier accounting firm, and a specialist (like me).

After our discussion with the mid-tier accounting firm, I coined the term “McCharter”.

That was what they were offering: a process whereby family members would complete some surveys and forms and then – bing! – they would produce our family’s charter!

Wow! How convenient would that be?!

But alas, a document produced – no, manufactured – in that way is more akin to a Big Mac is exactly what a family does not want. Charters like this can do more harm than good.

Some people ask: what good is a family charter? It’s not legally binding.

But here is the key: the power of family charters is because they are not legally binding.

Whenever there is a legally binding construct, e.g. taxes, structures, what do we do? Pay expensive lawyers to do whatever needed to work around them!

If your family charter is a set of legally binding rules on the family, then family members may view them like the tax system: a regime imposed from a higher power where the mission is to pay as little tax as possible.

Is that how you want your family to run?

That approach is a lot like “ruling from the grave”, which rarely ends well.

A good family charter

• does not sit in the drawer with all the other contracts and agreements.
• is not handed to the family by the patriarch or matriarch like Moses coming down the mountain with the Ten Commandments.
• is not created by an accounting firm as the product of a questionnaire.

The process of creating a family charter is as important as the outcome.

The discussions the family has about what’s important: values, purpose.

The debates over proposed rules – asking why over and over to understand and then agree upon said rules.

These discussions need all stakeholders present.

They all need a voice, and to know that their voice is being heard.

And this can’t be done in a hurry.

A process like that will result in a charter with which everyone has buy-in.

It is not binding legally.

It’s far stronger than that: it’s binding by consensus.

It’s binding because the family agrees to be bound by it.

It’s binding because the family itself wrote the rules.

You can’t get that with a McCharter.

Conversation Starters:

What are the rules in your family?

Who set those rules?

How can the rules be changed?

Are they documented? How?

Further Reading:

A road map to designing an effective family meeting
You guard the soft side of the family business with a statute
Dentons identifies critical risk areas in annual family office survey report
Evolving governance: the role of structure in third-generation family businesses

What is your legacy if you are the GOAT – the Greatest Of All Time?

Can it be about your family? Or is it just about you?

Warren Buffett recently announced that he’s stepping down after sixty years in charge.

His financial performance at Berkshire Hathaway was stellar; perhaps something that could never be repeated.

His successor, Greg Abel, has some big shoes to fill. He may struggle with the burden of comparison. What can his mark be on the world?

Buffett plans to gift 99% of his wealth to charity, under the giving pledge. That still leaves his children with an inheritance of a lazy couple of billion – each. How will they be remembered?

Legacy is your impact on the world around you and how you will be remembered when you’re gone.

Buffett’s legacy might be value investing, much like Steve Jobs’ legacy might be the iPhone. In the world of professional sports, we might think of Nadia Comăneci, Tom Brady and Michael Jordan. Stars who were so much brighter than the rest.

This form of legacy is centred around an individual.

The legacy of family is something quite different.

It’s about creating something enduring. It’s about continuity.

Founders of family enterprise are typically entrepreneurs, often with amazing rags-to-riches back stories. They are ultra-high performing, with immense self-belief and the ability to rally others around them.

But the shift from founder to head of a family dynasty can be challenging.

It involves a different set of skills.

Some founders’ lights shine so bright (even if they aren’t “the GOAT”), it remains all about them.

Their children grow up in their shadow, and sometimes stay there (even after they are gone).

The transition from G1 to G2 is perhaps the most difficult.

Because it requires a shift from one decision maker to more than one.

Something akin to the shift from autocracy to democracy.

That change cannot be underestimated.

One aging founder told me: “my children are my partners”.

He wasn’t speaking in legal terms because they were shareholders.

He considered them genuine partners in building something that would endure.

He did something that is so difficult for many founders to do …

He created space for his children to be … themselves.

That is a key part of building a legacy: recognising that you need to make space for your children to be more than just “your children”.

They tend to rise to whatever ceiling you put on them.

Jay Hughes said it well: “founders create wealth, but heirs create legacy”.

Conversation Starters:

How do you want to be remembered?

How do you want your children to be remembered?

What do you expect from your children?

What constraints do you put on your children?

Further reading:

Succession Planning: Key Considerations Between First, Second and Third Generations
Succession Planning for Family Businesses: Things to Keep in Mind as You Plan for Transition
Jack Ma Steps Down from $460B Alibaba; Succession Model
Family business transition plans are imperative to avoiding ‘Succession’-like outcomes
Succession: 8 Insights From Denmark’s Royal Abdication For Family Firms
Succession Planning: The Unseen Catalyst For Business Growth
Lessons From Rupert Murdoch’s Legal Battle

Right now, you are not an owner, but at some time in the future you will be.

The Three Circle Model of family business was developed in the 1970s.

Its three interlocking circles represent the family, the business, and ownership.

Some people in the system are just one – like a non-family member who is employed in the business.

Some are all three – like a matriarch who works in and is an owner of the business.

The model highlights how in family business, we wear multiple ‘hats’.

Being aware of which hat drives decisions we make, and the conflicts of interest that can occur makes this a very useful model.

But the ownership circle itself is more complex than you might think.

Ownership in family business is unlike regular ownership.

Consider: I can go buy some Apple shares through an online broker, and in an instant, I am an owner of Apple.

Vanguard, Blackrock, Berkshire Hathaway, … and lil’ old me.

Sure, my vote at the shareholder meeting isn’t worth much.

But I’m a legitimate owner, for as many shares as I choose to buy.

I don’t need any training or preparation to become an Apple owner.

And tomorrow, when I’ve had enough, I can sell them just as quickly.

Ownership in family business is fundamentally different.

A better word to describe it is ‘stewardship’: the business came before you, and hopefully will ensure beyond you, and right now you are an owner.

It’s a family asset that is meant to be held for a long time.

You don’t get in on a whim or leave on a whim.

Being a ‘good’ owner or steward is a skill to be learned.

Hence the status of ‘future owner’.

You aren’t right now, but you will be. That is certain.

As such, you look at the asset differently, no matter whether you work there.

You need to understand its value to the family – both financially and otherwise.

The stories of the family and the business (and you may be part of those stories).

With all this comes responsibility – even if you don’t end up also being a director.

This is the preparation needed to become an owner.

But right now, you are not an owner.

You have no say.

You are not at the table.

BUT … you care about the business and know that you will ultimately be an owner.

Given you will be an owner, decisions the current owners make will impact you.

So you have a vested interest in some decisions about the business.

You’re in limbo.

Ready and capable … but not quite there.

It can be frustrating.

What does this mean for the current owners?

They should be aware of the cohort of future owners.

Their decisions can have a big impact on them.

To paraphrase the Hermes family slogan, the business is ‘borrowed’ from its future owners.

Perhaps they should be at the table sooner rather than later?

Conversation Starters:

How are you preparing future owners in your family?

What does this status mean to them?

How is their opinion about the business important?

What voice should they have and when?

Further reading:

Communication During a Family Business Transition
How To Go From Family Business To Business Family
First, define your ‘family-owned business’
The future of the family business: Four strategies for a successful transition
TRANSITIONING FROM A FAMILY BUSINESS TO A FAMILY BRAND
Here’s How Generational Differences Play A Role in Family Business Succession
Engaging the young in family business culture
Taking Control: The Ultimate Guide For Family Business
An Open Letter to the Family Business Stewards